Ever since I was a very young girl, I have always been attracted to the sacredness of Mother earth, her elements "et all". Play time was often spent sitting outside either under or up in a tree, reading a book, sketching or simply feeling and dreaming. Childhood was for the better part, without video games, television and outings with friends. "Plugging in" as we put it now, referencing electronics, of course, was very limited and play time with friends, well...a lot of the time I didn't really have any. We moved a lot, I spent every second weekend away from home and real friends were very hard to come by. Between the age of 9 and 12, it was very challenging. About a month before my 13th birthday, my Father had been remarried, we had moved to a small and at the time, kind of remote town outside of Ottawa, with the promise of not moving anymore. I was very far, over 5 hours away from any real family, and I felt pretty sad most of the time, even though I was finally making lasting connections with kids my age. Family was very important to me, still is, and I had considered my Grandparents, maternal and paternal, to be like an extra set of parents. I very much relied on their support, love and companionship to thrive. Being so far from them, and my mother, proved to also be very challenging. Have you ever just sat there, under or in a tree? To feel the moment? To feel with all of your senses? To feel the connection? As a child I did this often. I can recall being very young, climbing a very tall tree while visiting my aunt who had just had a baby. I believe that I was shooed outside to play and returned covered in tiny ants. I didn't notice, of course, and when I leaned into the bassinet to kiss my wee cousin and dropped ants all over her, I did get in a bit of trouble. Although, thinking back, it was hardly my fault...I didn't know any better and was always either rolling in grass, mud...or climbing trees. I spent a lot of time outside and loved it. As a teenager, although I was still collecting rocks and fossils, I had forgotten about tree climbing and all that comes with connecting to the true spirit of nature. I mean, we went camping every year, but after that big move and I made friends, my focus went to writing in my journal, drawing, painting and dreaming about boys. That was until 15 or 16 and then I met a Wiccan Priestess. It seems that after moving and finally having true friends to go out with...dare I say it...to go to the mall!!! I had put my tree climbing on the back burner for a time. After the move though, things would happen that I couldn't really discuss with anyone. I would get woken up in the night by a small blond girl that would sit on the edge of my bed. I was also having experiences of knowing and well in advance, events that would occur sometimes weeks later. I also experienced sleep paralysis, astral travel and through my journaling, discovered that I could do automatic writing. I would receive a knowing prior to and shortly after a family death, before the communication was extended. I would journey to meet the ancestors at night. I did not share the depth of this with anyone as a teenager. I had attempted to share with my step mother, but she was the archetypal evil step mother, and not only laughed at me, she also told me that I was full of sh*t (seriously) and teased me relentlessly for what seemed like an eternity. They were the formative years, the torturous years but also the building blocks of who I am today. Although I have no regrets, as a forty something now, I admit openly that I have had to put in a lot of time to heal through journeying and also, of course, using Reiki and other energy work. This second wife of my father was a Heyoka of sorts, with a heavy pain body. I learned a lot from looking into that mirror. I still struggle sometimes with the residual stuffs, but the processing after a trigger is much faster to deal with now, because I have the awareness and the tools to deal with it all. During my time with her there was a lot of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. The scars are not so deep now and I know that the circle of this lesson for me is mostly complete. Back to the story, for a short time, we had this family friend, the Priestess, who would visit and sit with my Father's 2nd wife. Her husband, also a devout Wiccan, happened to work with my father. The friend, was very open to questions and I had many. Her energy, felt earthy and her eyes, I can remember staring into them and feeling the earth. I instantly felt connected and I feel that she did too because she began to teach me. This was a time of respite, an oasis to escape the toxicity of what had become my everyday at home, and gave me a feeling of empowerment. I have a sense that she knew the truth about the toxicity. Her friendship with my stepmother was not long lasting. I believe that it was meant to be, because she was a great teacher and this was part of a lesson on my journey. In my experience to date, the teacher arrives when needed and then leaves just at the right time, although it may not feel like the right time, and most often, leave to never be experienced again. That first day, the Priestess gifted me with my first two crystals (rose quartz and clear quartz and a lifetime obsession with collecting more crystals), and then overtime, several "must read" books and ritual tools, of which I still have some 25 or so years later, handmade incense, some essential oils and a deck of tarot cards. One of my favorite experiences, was being invited over to her home so that I could spend time in her library. It was a magical place, with dozens of crystals hanging in the windows, ritual tools on the table beneath the window, and 2 walls full of books on the occult, wild flowers, trees...all essential to her practice. That was the day that she gifted me with my first deck of Tarot and worksheets that I could use to "know and to feel the cards". I was to study one card each week and sleep with it under my pillow. Before I left with the cards, she had spent several hours lighting and relighting smudge in a room with the door closed, to cleanse them fully for me. To this day, it is still my favorite go-to deck. Even though I now have a drawer full of tarot and oracle cards...still my favorite! Up until then, I had only ever gone to a Baptist church with my paternal grandparents, the same church that they helped to build, sing in and worship in. When I was around 16, I decided within a few short months of studying everything that I could get my hands on, that I would follow the Wiccan path and that I would be a Dianic Wiccan. I decided this of my own accord and put a lot of thought into what that commitment would mean for me fully, before I did so. I found a circle that would meet up once per week. My father would drive me from our small town into downtown Ottawa so that I could attend. I made like minded friends, experienced group rituals, meditations and discovered what it was to truly dance! Drumming circles, dancing, healing rituals...all integral parts to this experience that shaped me as a 16 year old. I followed this path for many years, well into my early 30's, performing ritual and Sabbat, etc. with love and the upmost devotion. I learned a tremendous amount about myself during this time, and I also spiraled into my pain body. All things that we are exposed to, we must process, or it manifests on a cellular level. If not processed properly, pain will either get trapped in our energetic field, or in our body. I wouldn't say that I went to a dark place. Let's call it a gray area. I did what a lot of people do when they attempt to process their pain. The pain becomes the story. The only story. I suffered through anxiety and depression for years as a result. I moved out right before I turned 18, and a couple years later, met my husband and moved in with him. By then I was calling each set of grandparents on the weekends. I looked forward to it. The paternal side very Baptist, born again Baptist to be exact...so we only ever discussed Jesus and the greater good, light, the divine...and that was just fine. Those conversations felt light and beautiful and I am grateful for that side to my spirituality. It's all a part of the bricks and mortar. This is when I discovered that my maternal side was witchier than I had ever known. My Grannie went to church on occasion (Anglican?) and read the bible each day but she was also open to the metaphysical. She was like an earth angel. You couldn't help but love her for all of her goodness. We discussed astral travel and receiving visits, being sensitive to energy and to spirit, and of course, clear knowing of all senses. I began to realize that I came from a long line of people who didn't talk about it, but possessed heightened extrasensory perception, and were very much aware of what lies in the "in between" and beyond the veil. Her very own mother read tea leaves and was also very sensitive. I can recall journeying to what I will call the ancestral table, shortly after the passing of my maternal and paternal great grandmothers, who passed within a short time of each other. It was a long table, with everyone that had come before me. It was all very proper and luminous. I was very small and they were explaining how this would work, how I would visit and how they would be available to guide me though. I believe that this as my first journey and I was around the age of 9. Also after the passing of my maternal great grandmother, my grandmother took me to my great grandmothers home to visit, perhaps to clean up, and I spent some time up in her attic. I rarely did this because the space felt weird to me. I could feel the residual energy. It didn't feel bad or heavy...just unknown yet familiar...therefor weird to my 9 or 10 year old brain. It was then that I had an experience, with my great grandmother's cat. My great grandmother was there....I could feel her. I cried as I talked to her through the cat. May seem a little woo-woo...but animals are very receptive to energy and I've had similar experiences like this, since then. Another part to this, as ancestral energy is a very important part of my practice, I will share about a photograph. In this same home, the home of my maternal great grandmother, there was a dark hallway that led to the only bathroom. leading to this hallway was a framed photo of my great grandparents on their wedding day. I'm not sure why, but as a kid, that photograph held real energy and I could feel the eyes in it. In fact, I would often run past it. After my great grandmother passed, my grandmother inherited this photograph, and she hung it in her office. Every summer, I would spend a couple weeks with my maternal grandparents. They had moved from Steeles and Young in Toronto, to a beautiful log home just outside of Peterborough in the country. Without fail, I would visit and soak in all of the love and creative energy that I could. In fact, I slept very close to her office, in the room beside, and would often hear a lot of noise while everyone was sleeping. Around the age of 18 or so, I finally got up the nerve to ask her about the clambering after dark. The first time she said that a racoon had gotten into the house and knocked the photo off of the wall. Then it happened again and again...and she told me that it just happens that way every few nights or so and shrugged her shoulders. She would hear a bunch of noise and go to check on it and find the only item disturbed to be that framed photograph. Eventually she just stopped replacing the glass. I think that she didn't want to scare me by sharing the truth so quickly. This was not something that people talked about. After I reassured her that I could in fact handle the truth, she began to really open up about her abilities. Right before my 18th birthday, I moved out, and as mentioned before, after a couple of years, I moved in with my husband. In our shared apartment, I decided to hang a copy of that photograph on our wall. My maternal grandmother told me that she knew that when she passed, I would not be given any photographs, so she made copies of a few, with her printer in black and white. so that I would have some. This prediction, unfortunately turned out to be accurate. I was so happy to have them, even if they were only photocopies and to have this part of my family history. I wanted to have a wall of family, to feel and see the energy each day. I hung up each of the three or four photocopies, one of which was the wedding photograph. I too heard the noise, sometimes it would be footsteps, other times just knocking, and then I would find only that one image on the floor. My great grandfather traveled through the image. Photographs can be portals, after all. The real fun began after I had children. This sort of thing does travel through the bloodline. My children are both sensitive and when they were very young, it took some getting used to. Once I realized what was happening, I wanted to do it properly so that they would have the proper support, knowledge so that I could guide them if necessary. Without getting into the details of it all, let's just say that raising children who have a heightened sense of awareness and extrasensory perception is not for the faint of heart. When they can hear and see spirit, and you of course can as well...it makes for an interesting household that isn't for everyone. I did not know exactly what to do in the beginning because I had only found normalcy in it as an adult. During this pinnacle time, while the kids were very small, and my career was both busy and very stressful something life changing happened. So it really wasn't too much of a surprise when I got sick. Really sick. The severity of it all was the only surprise and not a good one either. It started with a sinus cold, water on both ears and then finally, the proverbial nail in my coffin, full on vertigo. The vertigo lasted for 3 months or so, I have large chunks of memory gone from this time. I had to take a leave of absence from work. I could not sleep fully, and when I did finally sleep, I would start off in bed and then I would wake up on the floor. I would say that this is when I fell fully into that dark space. It all caught up with me then. I had never felt so badly about myself. I had a lot of time to think back and I lived fully in my pain body. I went to specialists, had many medical tests to rule out brain tumors and whatnot. Eventually, my husband found a treatment called vestibular therapy and we made an appointment almost immediately. This worked, after about a month and a half of treatment, I went back to work but would still have the odd bout of the spins. A friend and colleague, suggested Reiki and after telling him about the sensitivities of my children and one spirit visitor that seemed to be stressing out my youngest, he suggested a medium who was also a Reiki Master. I made the appointment that day with her. That first visit began with a reading. I found out more about the visitors that would come in the evening to visit the kids. Not just for my youngest, also the eldest, and finally for myself. There was a lot of night-time traffic in my home. I had many questions, and she was happy to answer them all. Finally we had the Reiki session and it was the second Reiki treatment I'd had. (I had one previously at a fair and loved it). I then made the commitment to return and did so for almost a full year, where I would be given homework to do and when I would return, we would go over the work and monitor my progress. What I did in all of those sessions was healing from the trauma of abuse. Years and years of it as a child. The pain of sexual abuse from a neighborhood teenager when I was only about 5 or 6. The pain of my mother leaving when I was 9 and each abusive relationship she endured afterwards, and I of course witnessed while visiting her on weekends. The pain of the emotional and physical abuse from my fathers second wife, who was an abusive narcissist, who was an expert in gas lighting, who loved to pin me up against the wall by my neck and lift me off of the ground so that only my tip toes could touch the floor. The pain from years of trying to keep control of my body, in the only way that I could, with food, or rather, with very little to none at all. So much pain and I was so tired. Over time, the deep wounds began to heal, the scars began to minimize and a greater awareness of self developed and strengthened. I peeled back layer after layer. I got angry. I cried. I got angry again. I felt the rawness of it all and began to step outside of the gray zone...that dark space. For the first time, I felt as though I was no longer in pain. I did not identify any longer with living in my victimhood, because essentially, that is exactly what I had been doing. I was no longer a victim. I took my power back. I owned my space. I was in control of me. This same friend who referred me to this healer, also told me about tree therapy. When I was having a healing crisis, moving through the pain, peeling back each layer, bit by bit, he told me to find a tree. I had forgotten how I used to sit and climb with trees. He said that when it became too much, to go and ask the trees permission firstly, and then to place my hands on the tree. Gentle. Lovingly. Breathe. Just breathe in the strength and the tree will help me. It was worth a shot. I had forgotten about my childhood spent in trees. From then on, I would go across the street on my lunch hour, to this park and sit under a tree. I would take off my socks and shoes, place my bare feet on the ground with my back against the tree, palms in the earth, take a deep breath and close my eyes. Meditation with this beautiful tree became a daily ritual for me. I had forgotten how to breathe. I drew strength from each meditation. I remembered what it was like to have this connection. To feel this wholeness. I taught myself to breathe, connect, growing roots and empowering myself during the entire process. I felt better than ever before. I decided then that I wanted to learn Reiki. I was already well versed in the chakra system, and was even reading up on the meridian lines within the body. I wanted to help others, as this year of healing had begun to help me. Tree therapy helped me to work through the waves of energy as I peeled back each layer, to move from the hard and calloused pain, to the soft pain...the very root of it all. The time leading up to my attunements, during that year of healing, I learned a tremendous amount about my self. We did a lot of journey work, meditation and I crafted my own ritual tools. I combined my knowledge of Wicca, with my developing knowledge of the energetic system, began speaking with my guides and began working with the Angelics, colour and my crystal collection expanded 5 fold. It was challenging, transformational and a lot of healing and growth resulted from the dedication. I did my level 1 & 2 Usui with this same Reiki Master. I can recall that the attunements were beautifully done. She asked me to source certain information from the internet and to bring it to the first class. At one point she did show me the manual that she had been given by her teacher. It mentioned being a member of the rainbow something or other. This was new to me then. I asked her what this meant and she said to look up rainbow warrior when I went home and that we are all members of the same tribe, united and awakened. Mind blown. Here's a link, if you're interested: https://www.manataka.org/page235.html She did not have her own manuals, or manuals from an association available. To the average person perhaps this would've been a red flag, but I was trusting. I had worked with her for a year, bi-weekly and dedicated to my self healing, and so far with great results. Her classes were not the typical Usui classes, however. Her sessions felt heart-based, but her classes were very different, they no longer felt heart based but became fear based. I didn't actually learn from her during the classes. Post attunements, I would arrive at her home, same time and day each week, bringing with me, someone to practice Reiki on. She would always jump in, after zero instruction, take over the table and my unsuspecting volunteer. After the practice session she would request that the person come back to see her as a paying client. . In the end, all she really did was provide the 2 attunements and teach me what I didn't want. I wanted to learn from an instructor. Even if I had the attunements necessary, I refused to learn hand positions, or symbol usage from the internet. A powerful lesson indeed. The dynamic began to shift during that time and I realized that it was unfortunately more about lining her pockets than the actual education. Keep in mind that I had visited her for healing sessions bi-weekly for an entire year before doing 2 back to back attunements. We were approaching this from two very different perspectives and I decided that I could no longer learn from her. There was a period of mourning. I mourned the loss of the friendship, the mentorship and afterwards I even questioned my abilities as a healer. Again, another lesson. I sought out a second Master. I found someone through a shop that I frequented. She would not honor my first two levels and asked that I re-do my 1 & 2 at a reduced rate. I ended up doing all levels of Usui with this 2nd Master. During this time, I continued to search within, heal and to grow. I enjoyed Reiki so much, was developing my own client base and had my own session space in my home. I even had a spot available to me in a clinic in town. And, just as before, I came to realize that the teacher and I were no longer were operating from the same perspective. I felt awful every time I would be around her and began to back off. My guides were guiding me away from her. I could feel this horrible feeling while around her in my solar plexus. The relationship dissolved long before it was officially terminated. I sought out more teachings, including Angel Reiki, Kundalini Reiki, did a few energy related workshops, began to actively do energy work on animals and was eventually led to Lightarian Reiki. I found a great teacher and have since completed all levels. As far as I know, that's as high as one can go with Reiki. It's a fantastic boost to my existing training and I can now teach Lightarian Reiki as well as being part of their association. I joined IARP, The International Association of Reiki Professionals. Lastly, I became a member of the Wellness Universe, a global healers collective. It's a great feeling, having a supportive network. I feel as though I am in a great place right now, to continue to learn, grow, as I have this strong foundation that I have quite literally spent years building. This brings me back to being a Rainbow Warrioress. I continue to search and to journey within. Lately, I am learning more through shamanic teachings, through reading and attending webinars. I feel that there is a lot of wisdom to be obtained and there are so many of us awakening to this calling to help each other, mother earth and in doing so, we will raise the vibration to help heal all. That is our greater calling, after all. Perhaps there will eventually be another part to this story. Although, I feel as though I've written enough for now. This is blog post is meant to describe a sliver of my journey so far. Healing is not an easy walk or journey, and I am fully aware that I have only just begun. There is a lot of work that goes into our self healing. True healing is done from the heart, by searching within and only with a strong commitment to reconnecting to our authentic self and your ancestral makeup. Not one journey is alike, and it is always a path that will take your entire lifetime and beyond to fulfill. Healing isn't a linear existence and it travels through many lifetimes, through our DNA and through generations. It isn't something that you can burn through your system in a day, month, year or even in years. Until next time, love to all on your journey. Keep on, keeping on, with love in your heart and in the soles of your feet. xo Carrie Carter Painted Chakras and Stairways
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