A few words on Alzheimer's. I recently travelled to visit with my Grandparents who will be celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary in 2016!. My Grandmother has Alzheimer's and my Grandfather is still incredibly sharp. Although I call every week, I am able to visit her in person only a few times per year. Christmas 2015: We sat in silence. Well, it was mostly silence. Every few seconds she would make a noise that was halfway between a croak and a chirp. It was as though a song was stuck in her throat and had became lost before it was even able to reach her lips. So, we sat together, side by each, staring at the same spot on the wall, with this rhythmic "almost" silence for hours. The familiarity of my company was lost to her. I had become one of the infrequent visitors that she was seemingly unsure of until there was a God-given moment of lucidity. Oh, how I prayed for a moment of clarity from her. When I could look deep into her eyes and instead of seeing the fear of a lost child, I would feel that connection again. I miss our hour long talks on the phone. For many months now, our phone conversations are limited to minutes and the subject matter is always repeated. On a good day, I can keep her attention to five minutes or so before she begins to repeat herself. On a more challenging day, sometimes the conversation is impossible and she will pass the phone to "Dad", my Grandfather. She hasn't called me by my name in a long time. She now calls me "honey". The conversation loop is necessary for her though. She is still cognisant of the weekly phone call. My Grandfather tells me that it means so much to her. The truth is, my heart would break if I was unable to do this with her, even if it only lasts a few moments, it is always worth it. She needs this connection to keep her mind active. I need this connection with her too. I am not ready to let her go. It doesn't matter that I call every week, or even that it was usually more than once per week. Sitting with her, I was not the same person. She was unable to make the correlation that I was even the same person. She was unable to put my physical person into context, other than my Grandfather telling her that I was special. This hurt so deeply to realize that this woman who was once so sharp, no longer even knew my name. She didn't realize that the same person who called her each week was the same person who was sitting next to her on her sofa. In her presence, I become the same little girl who used to sit in from of her, waiting to have her hair gently brushed. I have noticed that even in lucid moments, she is never completely there, but fragments of her former personality will occasionally glimmer through. You wait for the glimmer. It doesn't happen everyday and it might only last a few minutes or even a few hours, but that glimmer is golden when it does happen. I was fortunate to experience this briefly, as on the last night of my most recent visit, she insisted on tucking my 38 year old body into bed. I could see the twinkle in her eyes and that soft smile and knew that was my Christmas gift. You are still in there somewhere! As soon as it happened, it was gone and although brief, it was a moment of beauty that I will cherish. For my Grandmother, Alzheimer's is the regression of a once brilliant mind to that of a small child. She lives in fear of going to the bathroom alone, climbing stairs...and doesn't remember the names of her children or grandchildren. This succubus grabs hold of her and unfortunately, its a steady decline. For our family, this happened gradually over the course of approximately a decade and is now in the advanced stages. She is very child-like and emotionally sensitive. When you think of a small child, if you are dismissive, respond in frustration or even anger...you will obviously cause the child to become visibly upset. You can feel the energy of that child shrink as they respond to this hurt. The response system is raw and defenceless. When addressing someone with Alzheimer's, you have to be patient, agreeable and always move from a place of love. They feel all on a very deep level even if you are not completely aware of it. Any situation to create stress will aggravate the symptoms that they experience. As for my Grandmother, the rhythmic almost song that is stuck in her throat will start and will become louder and louder as she half stands up and then half sits down in a panic. This is on repeat until she is reassured and believes that all is well. She has her spot on the sofa. On a good day, she might try to read a few pages of a magazine or a book. On a more challenging day, she will stare at the wall for hours. Unless of course my Grandfather turns on the television to watch the news, then she will stare at the television. There is no music on in the home even though they used to listen to gospel and opera. All that can be heard for hours...is the torturous ticking of an old clock on the mantle. Love and light to all. xoxo
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