Dealing with LossWhen we open our hearts so wide, the inevitability is to feel that ache that comes along with it. That's the reality of opening your heart to love. With each beginning there is always an ending, or rather, an evolution as the energy changes. That evolution is of course a very large part of that love. With the opening of your heart, eventually there will be grief and loss. Our hearts should always remain open...no matter the loss. Oh, it's not easy-peasy. Feeling and remaining heart centered isn't an easy ride, but it is always the most worthy of our energy. That's where I find myself right now. As I sit here beside my furry best friend, my couch and snuggle companion for the last almost 8 years...I am so sad. I am also grateful that I have known his love. There is nothing to be done of course. He's dying and we are making him as comfortable as possible. He is calm and not in distress. Reiki is helping with his comfort level. In this instance, the wasting away and not being able to change any of it, is the worst part of this very big love. What makes this even more difficult is that we lost our youngest kitty Loki, to a heart attack only a month ago. We are still grieving her departure as a family. As parents, it is one of the more painful things to tell a child, that someone we loved so much has passed, and then 1 month later, only to share that it is happening again. We were a family with 5 cats, the oldest being a couple months shy of 20 yrs old. He will have soon outlived 5 other kitties. From 5 to 3...it feels very quiet here now. The house feels so empty, yet still so full of love, if that makes sense. I believe that when we find our animal friend, it is a spiritual contract when we agree to live together. We don't just find them, or that they find us...we find each other. When you adopt they become a very important part of your family. I really have a lot of difficulty understanding those who adopt and then give away, adopt and then give away...you wouldn't do that with a child or to a family member?! Why would you do that with an animal? To treat an animal as you would a car that you lease for awhile...it doesn't work that way with sentient beings. Or, just as difficult, those that euthanize an otherwise very healthy animal...I don't get that either. If you cannot see the contract out until the end...don't start the contract to begin with. Just. Don't. It's a commitment. I got off on a bit of a tangent there. AND...I had a wee soap box moment. Sorry about that. Actually, I'm not sorry at all. It's healthy honesty. Allow me to share a bit about my big orange kitty. He is very special. He is the kitten of a stray cat that my in-laws took in while she was still pregnant. We have known him since he was just a tiny thing. When we got him, we didn't know what to call him. We had been going through our vinyl collection. All of our records were leaning up against the wall of our living room. This little clumsy fluff ball walked over to and then sat in front of Ziggy Stardust and we then had our ah-ha moment. He became Bowie, with his crazy orange fur, the name is very fitting. He's just as bizarre and magical too....minus the leotard of course. He has a penchant for toy mice, tunneling under blankets and for snuggles and nose kisses. We are now on day 5 of his refusal to eat of drink. We are keeping a close eye on him and are making every effort to ensure his comfort until his appointment at the Vet this evening. We have done everything under the guidance of a Veterinarian. We've done bloodwork and have taken him in twice thus far. We considered surgery but then we were advised against it because his secondary condition is kidney failure. Unfortunately, tonight will be his final visit. He hates getting into the cage. It scares him and stresses him out. I am hoping that he'll pass on his own terms, maybe during a kitty nap, before the appointment. This morning, Bowie wanted to curl up on our bed and he hasn't done that in a long time. I was getting ready for work and thought to make him extra comfy in his final hours and nestled the blankets around him. Of course, when I got to work I couldn't stand the thought of him being like that without me. I came home after an hour. I am very blessed to have a very understanding boss, who was very compassionate and told me to go and to be with him. I cried all the way home, in part due to sadness and the feeling of helplessness, but also because I was so grateful. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I kept myself together rather nicely...until I got in the car. I'm writing now because I find the act of doing so healing and it's keeping me busy. When I came home, Bowie had moved to sleep underneath the bed, and underneath where I would lay my head. I know that animals hide when it's nearing their time. I believe that's what he was doing, hiding in a spot where he felt safe. I brought him out and brought him to the bay window in our living room. I opened the window so that he could feel the wind, hear the rain and the birds...he is very quiet and still. He' s all curled up into a kitty ball of orange fur. Under all of that fur he was a big kitty, always nosing his way in to the other cats food dishes. Now, he's just fur, he's not yet skin and bones, but he has lost a lot of weight. I'm sitting beside him, alternating between writing, offering Reiki and just staring at him. He'll always be my beautiful boy. He is so loved in this home. Each of us has a very special bond with him. He is such a lover. There are many reasons why I love Reiki and healing energy. More than ever, I am grateful to be attuned to it. One month ago, when we lost Loki, I was able to comfort her in her final moments with Reiki. It eased her transition. Now with Bowie, I can help him with his pain and with his stress level. Right now, he's snuggled into a blanket, one of his most favorite things, and he's resting his very sore mouth on a palm sized piece of selenite. Selenite is a mineral that promotes peace, clarity and acts as a portal between the earthly and spirit planes. He's in transition and this soothing energy is helpful. I put the piece of selenite beside him and he chose to rest his head on it. Having the gift of sight, I have in the past noticed a few things after the passing of an animal friend. I will not be surprised if after Bowie has moved on, he stays in the house for a bit. I have seen this with other cats, most recently with Loki, and before her, our kitty Tintin. It's no different than when a human passes. Ask anyone who can see those that pass from this world to the next. It's not to say that because you can see them, that they do not cross over, but that death can be a bit disorienting when there is illness or especially if it is sudden and they may linger a bit. It's not the hard fast rule, but in my experience that is how it has worked. Even with human family. It's just the way it is. With the passing of an animal friend, I like to leave a bit of food out for them. I still talk to them. I find it helps me as much as it does them. Eventually, I see and hear them less, as their energy is pulled elsewhere. They eventually realize, but especially for the first couple weeks, I like to make the transition easier and more heart centered. They do still visit from time to time, just as any family is welcome to do but, they are not meant to stay, however. Another thing that I do is open the windows a lot. It helps let the spirit out. I fill the home with love and healing for those grieving (including myself) through prayer, visualization and I smudge. This is not to get rid of the deceased animals energy, but to purge the energy of the illness that they succumbed to. Once they leave their body, they are separate from the lesser vibration of poor health. Just as it's important to grieve and to get that out, it's also important to be grateful for the time, love and energy shared. My method of release is through tears. So, today I cry both tears of sadness and happiness. For what is lost is also found and the love that I carry in my heart for my sweet boy will always be there. Always. Much love. xo Photo: Carrie Carter Bedard
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