Oh....the pain body. To truly understand it, we must first embrace it, dance with it and become one with it. That being said, we are one with our pain body. In order to truly live our souls authentic path, we have to put the work in to heal this part of ourselves. This shadowy side is where we hide our lower vibrational energy, that part of us we have not yet healed. Some have heavier pain bodies than others. Truth be told, no matter how much work we do, we will always have a pain body. It is the anchor of the human experience. We must walk with this pain and experience the lessons therein in order to move on to the next leg of our journey. I have worked diligently at healing from childhood hurt and abuse. I have worked through the grieving process more than once. I have worked through years and layer upon layer of pain but there is always that one untouchable thing. As a healer, I do self-healing everyday. I do this so that I stay healthy but also so that I may be of better service to others. Once in awhile though, it's cathartic to receive treatment from another healer. I mean, you never know what lies long forgotten in the dark abyss of your pain body. One week ago, I did just that. As a Reiki Master, I occasionally partake in what is known as a Reiki share. If you are attuned to Reiki, that's all you need, you don't have to be any particular level of Reiki, you just need to have received an attunement. All you need is a partner or group of other attuned Reiki peeps to have a share. A Reiki share is also a chance to gain perspective, to remember what its like to be on the table as a client. It can be a feel good session, or it can provide you with a powerful healing on a soul level. I don't need or want feel good. What I want is a healing that will help to raise my vibration for my highest good, so that I may be of better service to myself and to others. That means, I need to do the work and most of the time it isn't pleasant but entirely necessary. Everyone reacts to treatment in a different way. Essentially the goal of a session is to work through whatever blocks are present so that the path to a higher healing manifests. I was hosting this share and as I prepared the space I asked my guides, AA Michael and God to help to facilitate a healing that would be for our highest possible healing and for our highest and most soul aligning purposes only. Ask and you shall receive. Today I am finally allowing this release. I have done everything to distract myself from dealing with this pain. Although it has been tugging at my sleeve all week long. I just kept telling myself, wait until the weekend and then you can peel back that layer. It is a deep pain that makes my heart ache and my eyes swell with tears. While I embrace that old adage that everything happens for a reason, it does not soften this pain that I must now feel. I know that I must feel this pain in order to move through it fully. During the end of my Reiki session, I could see in my minds eye this beautiful and very happy child, half skipping and dancing in front of me. I was walking behind her. She was young, definitely under the age of 10. I knew in that moment, as I lay in the comfort of my Reiki session that this sweet babe was mine. I was blissfully happy. When the session was over I made the connection. My back began to hurt immediately. She was the child that I could not carry. She was the child that I lost. I am blessed to have two very healthy, intelligent and spiritually in-tune boys. They are amazingly wonderful and they almost had a sibling. They know this. Two years ago, while at work I fell, twisting 7 vertebrae. I didn't think much of it other than it hurt like hell. The pain wrapped around my abdomen and was crippling. The next day my children wanted to go to the mall. I obliged. The eldest had a gift card that he wanted to use and the youngest was just happy enough to tag along. It hurt terribly to walk, but I took them anyways. While in the store, my youngest had started looking at baby items and asked me "can we have a baby, mommy?" By the time we got home I was already bleeding. I was about two months along. I had wondered, there had been many signs but didn't know until it was too late. I fell on Valentine's day. I felt it was important to convey honestly why I was in so much physical pain to my children. I took this hard. I spent three days with this pain and finally went to see my Osteopath to have my back adjusted. Next up, I went to see my GP and she said that the baby had gone and that there was nothing to be done. I had a few friends who supported me through and listened to me while I cried. Pregnancy comes with a lot of hormones. I may not have been visibly pregnant, but my body had already started the process and in a moment...there was an empty space. I could feel that child as she was slipping away. I did my best to deal with it, but admittedly I just swept it under the rug. Until a week ago. Today I feel like an open wound. This was all on me, however. I had asked for this healing. I had asked my guides, AA Michael and God. I will be reminded until I fully release. Ask and you shall receive. I do want this release, no matter how painful. I did my best this morning to be the normal, pulled-together Reiki Master and mommy me. However, pain body had other plans and wanted out to play today. I had to take my kids to the dentist and on the way there, my youngest asked me if I was mad or just sad. He said that even if I tried to hide it he knew. Both kids have antennae and are natural born healers, feelers and seers. I was honest and told him that it was a little of both. He asked me if it was because of the baby. (Spirit nudging me to deal with it?). I reassured him that I just had to work through the emotional pain and that it made me very sad to know that I wasn't able to have her. He then asked me what I had wanted to call this baby. You see, he felt that the baby should have had a name. He said that he liked the name Tom. So sweet, this child of mine, I almost lost it driving down the highway. I held it together, as I would rather unravel this part of me alone. Instead, I touched his little arm and smiled. He then said that even if the baby was crying he would comfort the baby and help it to fall asleep, this little baby he had named Tom. Oh my...I still managed to hold it together. He needed to talk about it too. So we sat in this silence, sharing this thought and as sad as I felt and still feel, my heart was so very full for a moment then. I am so very grateful to have been gifted the opportunity to co-parent the two beautiful children that I share with my husband. We are so very blessed. I told him how grateful I was that we had shared that moment and he smiled the most beautiful, heart melting smile. When we got to the dental office there of course had to be a mother with her baby in the waiting room. (Spirit nudging me again?) My youngest was entranced, staring and smiling, watching this wee thing with unwavering attention. It made my heart both heavy and light, watching him take so much joy from watching this baby. My oldest had his appointment first, so I got up and sat beside my youngest. He held my hand. In that moment I just knew that I was grateful for everything that I have and that all is as it should be. No matter how bitter sweet this pain is, I have to focus on the present and just feel this pain. After the dental appointment, I dropped the kids at home and went to my favorite crystal store. I stood amongst the crystals in all their radiance and still felt numb. I could feel the tears coming. I bought some incense, bid adieu and made my way home and cried the whole way back. I decided that perhaps if I wrote about this, that it might encourage others to move through their pain as well. I don't know how long it will take to move through this feeling. My honest guess is that as long as the tears flow, my heart is still open and that is a good thing. It means that I am healing. I am releasing. That vision of her skipping and dancing, long dark hair swaying with each movement breaks my heart. Hopefully, in time it will become less difficult. All I know is that I will not sweep this feeling under the rug again. I deserve more than that. I will honour this part of myself that was made to hurt and I will honour this pain. To do anything less would be a disservice to myself and to the healing that I had requested. The pain that I revealed in the darkness of my pain body is as follows: I will admit to feeling inadequate, as younger women around me blossom as they carry their unborn children. I forgive myself for feeling inadequate. I own this feeling and I choose to release it now. I admit to anger and the deepest hurt imaginable, this feeling of having my unborn child torn from me. I forgive myself for feeling angry and for feeling this hurt. I own this feeling and I choose to release it now. I release all blame, anger and hate associated with my fall in the full knowledge that it was not my fault. I forgive myself for walking on a pathway that was not cleared of slush and snow. I absolve myself of the guilt that I have carried in place of this child, as a result of not being a safe enough place to grow. I also choose to forgive myself for carrying this guilt. I choose to release all of these pent up feelings and send them to the light. No one is impervious to the pain body. We all have one. There is strength to be garnered by being open and transparent about it. This is as good a time as any, to find light in this darkness. I don't want to hurt anymore, even on a subconscious level and definitely not on a cellular one. When I started to write this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would "keep it real". I refuse to be someone who writes about healing without actually showing vulnerability. I am a real person. I work hard to maintain my energy, to hone my craft and to develop new skills to help heal myself. All of this makes me better able to help those who come to me for healing. Through each layer I peel back, I learn another way to help someone else, because I have learned first hand what it is like to work through that pain. Through this release, I will facilitate a safer place for a higher healing within me. I will embrace and dance with my pain body and acknowledge this oneness. There is a lesson in each layer and not every lesson is a feel good lesson. We are here to feel. The trick is to feel and release and that just might be the most important, but also the most difficult lesson of all. In love and light xoxo Find me on Facebook: Healing Energy - Painted Chakras and Stairways
2 Comments
chris
9/12/2015 08:08:36 pm
I'm broken for you and happy at the same time. I was not aware of this tragic event in your lives. I'm happy that you are working through the pain. Sending love & Reiki xx
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Healing Energy - Painted Chakras and Stairways
9/13/2015 06:50:16 am
Thank you, lovely. Writing this piece and feeling it completely has brought me to a new plateau. Today I feel lighter and although I can still sense that I have some work to do, I am well on my way to a full healing. I did a lot of releasing yesterday and actually for a few hours in the middle of the night. My vibration is higher than it has been and that was the purpose of this purging. I feel more myself today and I thank you for your love and support. xo
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